Ride · the · short · bus · to · Justinpalooza · ©

Eveyone is moving on in this world. Starting on new paths and growing up. I want that. I try to achieve that but it never seems to work out for me. I want to be an adult and I try and struggle and end up fucked up in the head even more from the let downs. Everyones making something of themselves and i'm well.....just...here.... I don't want to be here anymore.

So I was thinking a lot about my life. I wonder what is it I will be. What kind of role will I play in life. What will I pass onto my children
and their childrens children. I've been wondering what will my end be? Will it be in vain? Then I realized. No matter how our life ends, it will help someone. We never truely die in vain. No matter what kind of
end we have. Whether good or bad, that end will be a part of destiny. It's set in motion. We can choose the path of hope or the path
of nothingness. We choose it. It's so simple. We CHOOSE our destiny it is not set for us. Certain things we cannot choose.
Like give the loss of my brother, I couldn't control his loss. I could however choose what I took from it. I could have simply
threw my hands up and just gave up on life and walked away from everyone I loved and avoided everyone I could love, but I didn't.
I chose to trust life and accept loss. I chose to love with all my heart and appreciate everyone no matter if they were good or bad
for me. By appreciating them I walk away with more knowledge and a better chance at living my life for good and not allowing
my life or my death to be in vain. Don't fear life or death. Fear how you can become the opposite of what you wish to be, because that's
the only thing that truly matters in life. It took me a while to finally realize this, but I'd rather learn late than never.

I'm like so unhappy wiht myself. I hate being depressed. It sucks. So, I am done with my junky friends, shit I can't even call tem friends. I don't think they truly ever were. I think I'm going to keep people at a distance now. I'm looking out for me. It really gets me down further than a hooker sucking cock for a dollar. I invest so much into people, I bare my soul, I TRUST them. and it ges me fucked over. Rachel only wants me around when she has no one else to hang wiht because she say's she can't stand me or she needs info on her exgirlfriend. She thinks i'm egotistical. You know what yeah so what if I worry about my appearance before I go out. I'm sorry i'm not like her to where I don't like being seen looking like I just rolled out of bed. Gina is busy with her life. I love her but when I try to hang with her she'd rather sit and play an online game at home than spend time with me. Sarah has this boyfriend now and doesn't have time for me. We plan to get together but then he won't want to drive since she can't now. So they want me to always drive everywhere. Like if we go get a drink. I'm sorry I don't want to drive all over with liquor in me. I hang with Lena and Rexy but i'm still getting to know them. They're amazing but I guess i'm just waiting for me to fuck up something else. Cheri moved away and only called me when she was piss drunk. Wanting me to drive to Tampa all the time. However, when I said come see me she said it was too far of a drive. So it's only ok for me to come see you? PSHH uh no. I'm done being there for people. I'm done with people using me. I am sick of NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE. It's pissing me off that fucked up people ruin my perception of everyone. I really hate the human race at times.

Not much going on.. Work.. Got the flu staying home. Stopped going out so much and stopped wasting money.. I don't drink much.. I think I got tired of just the whole going out clubbing get drunk do it the next day routine.. I'm getting older and growing up.. I am thinking of investing few hundred bucks into stock and try to do something to make extra money.. My friend and I also have an idea of a sorta "small business" thing.. We'll see. I've been thinking alot about my life.. Where will I be in 10 years.. How much I have grown.. My temper has simmered down a great deal.. Things that used to make me mad I just pass off ass shit.. Like the other day a guy did the *COUGH* QUEER *COUGH* thing.. Normally I would have gotten up said smart ass remarks and possibly gotten into a fight.. But I didn't I just ignored it.. If I got up and did that and shown anger towards it I would have been just a pathetic as him.. I didn't sit there and take it.. I sat there and watched him be closed minded and arrogant and I felt 155646843956949 times better than him.. When people talk shit about me. I don't even stoop to explain the truth and say how I cannot believe they said that. I usually expect most people to be like that because well everyone is to and extent. When it comes to work there are some "FAKE" people there that I hung out with. However, I have come to realize that you must distance yourself from those you work with, Once you tamper with the coworker to friend thing it brings up chances for immature behavior in the work place and it makes you more emotional about drama.. So therefor they say crap I say ok. People around me have alot of problems going on. I try to comfort them but also stay back a distance. People tend to want other people to feel what they feel when they're down. So they can have someone that can relate o them and also it stirs up things from the past that just hurt you. You can help people but you have to do it at a distance. I'm not cold to anyoe I care and I help but I do not get involved with it and I do not focus on it. I think I have grown a lot. I am still single and content with it. I do like mos single people get in the mood for physical contact but then I say screw it and jerk off. I am not ready to give myself to anyone. I am not ready to accept anyone right now. Since being single i've realized how much I can do alone, and I realized when I am done with this journey thing that when I look for someone, I will look for other things besides looks and charm. A person can have looks and charm but still be a egotistical manic that will kick you out of the bed once they get into your pants. I've already noticed that I look for more now. I could have had the person to keep around for physical contact and possibly turn innto something more, but I turned it down. I felt so proud of myself that I had the willpower to not give into the temptation. I wanted to but I thought rationaly. I'm on a roll boyeeee..

I stopped living in the past. I accept the good and the bad that has happened to me in life. I have not forgotten it because then what good would it have been? I would lear nothing from it all. So I keep it inside and when I make a choice about many things I think of what I could have done better the last time I made this choice and am I reay for this? Ok enough with this random update. I'm off to bed. I'll try to post soon